Fall 2013

It has been a beautiful Fall!! Its been warm and it slowed down the seasonal color change, giving us all time to savor the season. I have been really enjoying it. For the past couple months Bob & I have been walking together. We go about 2-4 times a week, about a mile (or more) at a time. I will admit, he goes more then me (one week I did not go at all). We have been enjoying the amazing view of the city while walking at Cobbs Hill about once a week. We have also gone for a few walks at the historical Mt.Hope Cemetary. Its very quiet and I enjoy the hills and there are so many little paths to take. There is a lot of nature there, our first walk included a pair of red tailed hawks, a pair of deer, & a pair of woodchucks. It struck me that all the animals came in pairs that day. We made it out to Naples GrapeFest for an afternoon adventure at the end of September. We hiked at Stoneybrook to take in some of the Fall colors and enjoy some waterfalls on a warm sunny mid-October day. We have been really trying to get out there and enjoy the weather and spectacular views. I feel overwhelmingly grateful to be able to walk like this! There is just so much beauty everywhere I look. This has to be one of the most beautiful places in all the world right now.
We recently went on a spontanous date to see the movie Gravity. We saw it in 3D at the IMAX theater in Gates. It was an intense movie and the visuals were spectatular. I thought it was great and it held my attention. I still find myself reflecting on the story. Its not like scientifcally accurate or anything though. Its funny, this is only the second movie we have gone to together. The other one was The Simpsons Movie a few years ago.
We have had a lot of quality time together recently, its been really nice. I am so blessed to have him a part of my life. We really try to make the best of it!
I have been still having a lot of good days. I am taking it easy. I stopped doing the yoga poses that work muscles because it was making me sore and doing more harm then good. I am just focusing on doing restorative yoga poses, relaxation and meditation. No guilt about resting when I need to. It feels good to back off a little. But not all days are great and even my best days I am still in pain and coping with some degree of fatigue. I am feeling anxious about my health. It typically declines in the Fall/Winter months. Last year was just awful! I am scared for it to happen again. I am doing some different stuff and considering adding in low dose naltrexone. Well, it was my doctor's suggestion. I do feel like its a step backwards. I have worked really (really!) hard to not be on meds and treat Fibromyalgia naturally with diet, exercise, & supplements. Its helped, but I still feel a lot of symptoms. So, maybe its time? It seems to be low risk and could really help.
Not much else is going on. Being a housewife is not very exciting. Its better that way though. At least I don't feel like I am missing anything. It gives me the time and space I need to focus on healing. I spend a lot of time in my kitchen working on healthy meals and cleaning up. Things definitely take me longer to do and require frequent breaks.
There are a few more adventures on the horizon. Phish will be here next week. That is going to be pretty awesome. Not sure if I should bring my Nelly Cane (my sweet cane with the seat), I don't know if it will help or just get in the way? But I am crazy super excited  that Phish is coming here! Then Halloween and Bob' birthday are coming up, and good friends of ours are getting married, and then it will be our anniversary. I love that we have so much to celebrate these days! I just really want to be able to keep up with it all! At this point, I am backing off and just trying to preserve what I have. Most importantly, I am staying in that space of gratitude and Love. <3

Sensory Deprivation Tank

I have been participating in fibromyalgia flotation project at body mind float center. Its been very interesting. I had always wanted to try it and this was the perfect opportunity. Since I would be part of the study, I got to float for free, for 4 one hour sessions on Wednesday afternoons. I had always wondered, what would be left if you stripped all your perceptions of reality away? To be honest, I had hoped for this psychedelic experience. But thats not what happened.
My first float, I was pretty anxious and excited to get in there and check it out. Before getting in I showered, and then again when I was done, as requested. The water in the tank was like the consisticy of warm Jello, before its chilled and sets up. It was like weightlessness and super floaty. I really enjoyed the sensation. I felt comfortable in the smallish enclosed tank (about the size of a queen bed), the door was easy to access and it was simple to push it open. I could see how some may not like it though, being so dark & enclosed. But you could even leave the door opened if you want, its not the same, but its your choice. Upon entering and laying on my back in the dark, it was easy to relax. I let my thoughts come and go on their own, not forcing anything, just surrendering to the experience. It brought me back to my first moments of life in my mother's womb. My mind went blank, my vision was blacked out, and it was complete silence- except my own breath.
It was nothing.
[In the begining there was nothing...]
It was nice to explore my own mind a bit. Unfortunetly, when all distractions were repressed, all I was left with was my pain. I became profoundly aware it was mine alone, no one else could percieve it. Only me. I did not feel lonely, just all alone in the nothing-ness.

The second float I did not feel well, and it set a different tone, a heaviness. My pain that I was left alone with, was more intense this time. The tank that had once been a womb, had become my coffin. I do not fear death though. I find it comforting to know my pain and suffering is temporary. All life, all things, are just temporary.
Finite.
[in the end there is nothing...]
The tank brought many of my thoughts and feelings on mortality to the forefront of my mind. Birth and death. The cycle of life. It made the symbol tattooed on my back tingle with a new understanding. That second float brought me to tears. The reality that I do not have to live like this forever was such a relief. It made me more determined to live my life to the fullest and not waste a single second. It was also a reminder that life is a choice, and if I don't want to live anymore, I have the power to change that. There is no authority forcing me to stay here, its my own will. Except it doesn't work the other way, just because I choose to live does not negate my mortality. We will all die, just as we were all born. This might be too morbid or too heavy for some, but it had a very en"light"ening effect for me. It was a little easier for me to loosen my grip on shit that doesn't really matter. That second float I brought my crystals, the chakra set, quartz skull at top, big obsidian, 2 turquoise, and a smokey quartz that stayed in my bag. This had an influence on the tone of this float too. This experience gave me a little insight to what/who I really am when all outside influences are stripped away.
A chance to just be, to just exist, and nothing else.

*Just another Earth bound being.*

The third float was not nearly as profound or intense. In fact, after my mind quieted down fairly quickly, it was just nothing. I was kinda tired and relaxing came easy and faster then the other floats. My pain was very specific that day to sharp stabbing pains in my low back & hip. It was easy enough to ignore since it was not widespread, and not too much of a distraction. The third float I created a grid on top of the tank of 4 selenite wands & 4 rose quartz chunks (plus 1 turquoise, 1 smokey quartz, sparkle quartz point & skull stayed in my bag) and it created a self-love vibration that I could see/feel in the tank. That third float I felt connected to (bright/hot) pink & white light before it went to darkness. The darkness is hard to explain, even though you are enclosed, it feels like you're floating in some sort of infinite outer space. The kind of immortal nothing-ness that transends all time and space.
(where we all come from and we all return. the begining & the end. alpha & omega.)
I started to lose sense of where my body began and the water stopped. I wouldn't say I felt detached from my body though, instead I became one with the water. It brought an awareness to the one-ness we are all a part of (one love). I was not sleeping though, I was conscious, but a different level of consciousness (is this "theta?"). Thoughts stopped flowing at this point, and my mind accepted this "nothing-ness." I can't even explain it as pleasurable or uncomfortable, because then it would be -  something. Stange how you can transend, and yet feel so conscious and alive at the same time. Its really silent too, only my own breath and my own heart beat can be barely heard. There is no real smell or taste I could observe either. I guess I like it or I wouldn't keep going. ;-)
I have not noticed much change in my Fibromyalgia symptoms. No real noticable change in pain levels or fatigue. But then again there have been improvements in my strength and endurance these past few weeks. I do feel a bit calmer and at peace after floating. My ego seems to quiet down and I can take things a little less personal. I feel that same (hyper)awareness, but less paranoid and anxious. So, there are some noticable effects, just not what I had hoped for. The day before the third float, I felt like pain and fatigue were really breaking me down emotionally and mentally, after floating I felt more equipped to cope with pain and lack of restorative sleep. I might even feel a bit more prepared to cope with life's stresses in genral.
I have one more float scheduled in 2 weeks. That will complete my free sessions and the minimum requirements for the study. I have not decided if I will continue, it will depend on multiple factors. Its been a very interesting experience, if nothing else. I think everyone should try it at least once. I feel really blessed I got to check it out.

June

This month has been a chaotic whirlywind of busy-ness! I have walked many miles and moved mountains. Feeling darn accomplished these days. I certainly did not do it alone, so grateful for all the help!! We are back in the city and enjoying all the fun things to do and these great people that surround us! I feel at "home." I am even feeling better too! Hard to believe, its only been a few months since I was unable to drive myself anywhere or even handle a trip to the grocery store (with Bob)! Its really crazy to look back at the broad spectrum of effects Fibromyalgia has on my body. Summer is by far my favorite season. Its good to me.   :-)
Not much is new, other then moving and my improving health. (Please pray it continues!) Just doing my best to enjoy all that I have and life has to offer. I am feeling really blessed these days- its a great feeling!!
I have been doing all sorts of stuff, I did my first yoga class with Nicole (Mondays), drum circle (Wednesdays), went out of town to see Primus, went to a super fun overnight camp-out/party, appts with my lovely chiropractor & my homeopathic dr, shopping(-alone!), a clothes swap, hanging out with friends, beer week, party in the park(ing lot), jazz fest, farmers market, maintaining meditation & yoga practice at home, unpacking, cleaning & organizing the new place, I painted a couple closets, etc. I did reach one of my goals I set, I walked over a mile in less then 30 minutes. I took a few breaks (my cane/seat dealie has been a game changer!), but over the course of 4 hours I had walked over 3 miles! This was a really big deal for me!! In January, I could not walk through a store, even with handicap parking. I have also been participating in Fibromyagia Flotation Project by floating in a sensory deprivation tank on Wednesday afternoons. That will have to be a blog of its own! Its different...
Its been a LOT for me to keep up with, but for the most part I am making it happen. Taking breaks when I need to. Naps help. I try to just keep smiling my way through it. I am so very grateful and I don't take a second of it for granted, I know how fast it can all be ripped away. But I gotta say - it really is waaaaaay harder then it looks!! Seriously, Fibromyalgia fucking sucks! Its torture really, you just learn to grin and bear it. I have learned to be happy and still have fun while I am in pain. Fibro takes me down about 2-3 days a week or so, I just melt into a cuddle puddle of blankets in bed with my kitty. It really is its own special blessing though, to be able to stop when my body says to. I am so very fortunate! Pushing through the pain gets me nothing but more pain. Bob has been awesome too. He is so loving & patient, and understands when no one else does. He might just  be my biggest blessing ;-) Love him!!! <3
I am vibing well with this life I have manifested for myself at the moment. Its so close to being perfect, my health is the missing piece of the puzzle. There is still hope, and I am certainly on the right path. I am working really hard to get there! I am a work in progress.    ;-)

Now, I am off to enjoy the rest of my Summer! I am super excited- Phish is just a couple weeks away! Lots of other fun stuff on our calendar too! Shows, parties, camping trips, adventures, beers to drink, etc...
Fun in the sun- yippie!

Life is short, Summer is even shorter, make the best of it! Enjoy!!!
Love you all!!

X <3 X <3 X <3 X <3 X <3 X <3 X <3 X

April 2013

Things are in motion and Spring has sprung. Lots of stuff is happening. We are starting to pack up, we'll be moving back to the city next month. I am excited. I am just happy to get back in the mix, and go have some fun. In fact, I have been felling quite happy and relaxed these days. While the suburbs were peaceful and a nice break, it was super boring.  I have been making some progress physically, I am hopeful I will come back stronger then ever- but we'll see, lol. Just being closer to stuff will make it easier to participate in life. Hopefully, my peeps will come through a little more? It will be a fun summer. Bonus is we'll save some cash and can afford to do some fun stuff. We will even be able to leave and know our kitty and our stuff will be just fine. Its gonna be great!
Its been nice to get things going again, especially after a particularly stagnant Winter. I am focusing on some new goals. I really want to get back into doing art again. I have lots of art supplies and will be able to dedicate a studio area for myself in our new place. I just need the energy to do it. Its coming though, a lot is changing and my peaceful Winter gave me a chance to really restore myself. I have so many ideas! From paintings, sculpture, to jewlery, and I really want to learn to sew, I want to learn and do new things. I want to make sacred art and include all the wisdom that has come to me. Selling the things I make would incredible! I could fullfill my life long dream of being an artist... I am living my dream... I really am, my life is so full of love and inspiration.
Too bad the pain and exhaustion co-exist. So close to being perfect!! I am working on it and I can feel things changing. Heck, I am not even concerned with a cure (because there isn't one yet), I would just settle for "good enough." Just the basics, ya know? In reality, unless you live with a chronic disabling condition or possibly with someone that does, you probably don't know. Just as its hard for me to really get how people work all day, do all sorts of other stuff, and survive on only 8hrs in bed. A successful day for me is 8 hrs OUT of bed. And thats a good day!! A day I couldn't manage just a few short months ago... There has definitely been some noticable improvements lately, like less time in bed. I am feeling a little stronger everyday. Pushing myself a little bit more, whenever I can, but still being gentle and nurturing myself, healing myself. Having fibromyalgia is so much harder then it looks! But if I make it look easy, I must be doing something right :-)
Spring is in full swing and I am offically done hibernating! So watch out world! I got love in my heart, a smile on my face- and I am ready to PARTY!!
I may or may not, spend most of the time enjoying the party while sitting someplace comfy. Eh, good enough, I just want to be there. Or here or where ever we happen to be. I just want to be present and truly experience life.  Thank you to all my lovely friends (and fam!) that include me in things and help me find a seat. ;-)
I'll be seeing more of you soon!
Its gonna be awesome!
Yay!!
If you want to hang out, come find me.   :-)

March 2013

Its March. A month that to me is all about rebirth. I am ready to be reborn again, just like I have done many times before. I am coming out of a very challenging Winter. I was sick. I was in a lot of pain. I couldn't sleep, but I couldn't really get out of bed either. It hadn't been like that for many years. Honestly, it really sucked. I found myself practically begging my doctor for pain killers because the pain was unrelenting and unbearable. (She did not give them to me) It was not living. I was a zombie. If you saw me during this time (consider yourself lucky, I did not get out much), I probably seemed ok to you. Others can't see my pain. Its mine alone. I certainly would not wish it on someone else. Thank God (!!!), I am starting to notice some relief. I feel like I am coming back to life, like the flowers in my front yard. Its just the begining too. I have a loooong way to go though. Its ok though. Its ok, to not be ok. I am going to be gentle with myself. I am allowing myself to go through this. Its really hard and thats ok, because I can handle it. I have been basically running on empty, but life does not stop for me. We have to move in a couple months and I need to find a place for us to go. I am sure I will manage, but I wish I could focus all my energy on healing. I am distracted by grief too. Its the third anniversary this week, of the most devastating event of my life, the loss of our first and only child. Its such a bittersweet time. A reminder of how precious and miraculous life really is.  It encourages me to never give up. We are only given this one life. I want to live mine to the best of my ability, I want to enjoy my life and be happy. I want to love and be loved. I want to be healthy. I know I have it in me. I believe in miracles, because I know I am one.
This week I am being gentle with myself. I am giving myself permission to be authentic and honest. What are you giving yourself permission to do?

In response....

Tragedy struck. It will be ingrained in history. Let us not respond with fear or revenge and hatred or anger. Lets respond with Love, compassion, empathy -unity. This is not about gun control - not even violent video games. Its about love, the ability to give and sometimes more importantly- recieve love. Why are we blaming the guns and not the mental health system that failed this kid or psychotropic drugs this guy was on? Pharmacuticals are killing people at alarming rates. The "zombies" are real. They are drugged.  These brain altering chemicals are dangerous. I mean, if we are gonna point fingers...
During the aftermath I avoided tv as much as possible. My knowledge of the incident is limited to a few online articles. I have been praying and meditating. My heart just breaks for these parents. Sometimes to open your heart, I mean really open your heart, it must break open. Maybe not for everybody... There is a shift happening in human consiousness its happening in our hearts. Tell someone you love them, hold your family close. Most important turn that love back in towards yourself. Feel the shift inside you. Its not about the gifts, its about the presence this Christmas. Take a step back from the trauma. Your thoughts and feelings are a part of the collective consiousness. Love and fear can not coexist. When your body releases adrenaline (the fear hormone, "fight or flight" hormone, this hormone saves lives, etc) it can not release oxytocin (love hormone). You can choose. Your choice matters.
Rebirth takes many forms. People are reborn through Christ, people change and heal and become new again. I have had many rebirths in this lifetime. You have to be willing to give your soul to the Light, and sometimes you must face the darkest parts of your shadow first.
The media wants to spread trauma, it makes them rich. They want you to be afraid, very afraid. Then you will beg to trade in your rights and privacy in the sake of safety.
Your awareness is more important then ever.
And what if we all respond with love?
It will certainly change the world.
You have the power to change the world. At the very least you have power over your own reality.
I can not expain why this sort of thing happens, I just don't know. But I find myself not just praying for the children, but also for the sick individual that did this. He was sick. He was not evil. In an act of unconditional love I have been praying for his soul too.
I feel that my fears, our collective fears feed into these traumas, even manifest them. I take responsiblity for my thoughts, my anxiety, my fear. I was afraid to be in school. I did not feel safe. Even in the years before Columbine, that occured my senior year of high school, I felt in danger at school. No one really picked on me, I was not a target of a bully, except the few times I stuck up for fellow classmates. But the point is I fed into that collective consiousness. The bomb threat drills, the lock downs, they sent a message to be prepared, violence was immenint. But what was being done to prevent violence?  Why not spend the same amount of effort offering help to the "at risk?" What do we do for the mother's begging for help?
I don't have any answers. Only more questions.
Please pray with me. Let us all join together: Protestants & Pagens, Jews & Jedis, Mormons & Muslims, let us unite in Love & Light. Unite as one human race. To pray for peace you must sit and be at peace, it strarts within each of us. Pray for love by opening your heart and let God's love flow through you. Pray for understanding, and be open to hearing answers. Be an active participant in the shift towards love.
Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. Thank you for your prayers. Know that they are being heard. They will be answered.

One Love

*I have no spell check. This was written fairly quickly, but plan on editing it later for grammer and spelling.

12 12 12

Its been 1 year, 1 month, 1 day since our union. Happy Anniversary to my twin flame.
Its so amazing to be alive right now. I have been spending much of my time sleeping, meditating, and healing. Riding this wave wherever it may take me without any expectation. I am releasing what no longer serves me. I am focused on healing my body, mind, and soul. As I heal myself, I heal the planet and all life around me.
I am healing.
I am awakening.
I am remembering my power.
Spirit is flowing through me.
I surrender to the flow.

One Love