Its raining

This post was written in November 2010, I just noticed it was never published.

Days like today suck. Its raining. My back is killing me and I am bored. Really bored. I should be cleaning, and I'd love to be painting, or going out for drinks with my friends. But I am sitting here bored, too tired and too much pain to do much of anything. Its difficult to concentrate on anything else then the pain. I let my mind wander to happy places that make me smile. I was laying in bed this afternoon wondering if it was even worth it to get dressed? Suddenly, I am thinking of unicorns farting rainbows. WTF?! Really?! Whats wrong with me? I laughed out loud, got up, threw on some jeans and a tee shirt. I was surfing the interwebz when I came across this CNN article on mindfulness in dealing with pain and mental illness. Mindfulness and positive thinking is a very big part of how I cope.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/16/mindfulness.therapy.meditation/index.html?hpt=C2

I do my best to enjoy the little things in life. Stay in the moment. I do my best to think positively and keep my eyes open for the silver lining. But I can't seem to "positive think" my way healthy, trust me I have tried! In the 5 years since my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia I feel like I have tried everything. I refuse to accept or believe I will live the rest of my life like this-- it's much to daunting. I take it one day at a time. Sometimes I can go a week or even 2 keeping up with day to day life fairly well, I get my hopes up. "I am getting better" I think. But then soon enough I end up in too much pain and stuck in bed all day. All hopes dashed. I don't get a say in which days I am sick. It could be your birthday or even my own, Christmas, or that concert I have tickets for. The weather has a big part in how I feel. But not always, it can be a beautiful summer day and I am in bed exhausted. But when I am stuck in bed, that when being mindful and present really helps. Sure its easy to be happy and present in the park frolicking in the sunshine, but to remain present in the pain? Its hard. Especially because being in pain causes me to be more spacey then I am on painkillers. I still don't get this. In fact most of the crap I deal with from the Fibro, I just don't "get." Like why do some fabrics make me cringe? Why am I so sensitive to fragrances? It really makes no sense to me. I don't really expect people to understand what life with Fibro is like, because I don't really understand it myself. I do expect people to at least try. I am lucky to be surrounded by and supported by so many good people. I wonder if that is due to positive thinking? Would I have attracted negative, mean people if I had a bad attitude? Would my perspective be skewed into thinking my life was a living hell with negative thinking? I think that's fair to say so. Sometimes I slip into that dark side, and from over there my life looks like it sucks. But over here on the bright side, life is not too bad, and I am getting by, and having some fun along the way. Over here on the bright side life gets better everyday. It's not the life I planned, or would have picked for myself, but its mine. So, even though is raining, I got a little sunshine in my heart. I'll lay in bed with my heating pad on my back singing along with Bob Marley ---"Positive vibrations, yeah, Positive!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvVyg77j0YY